The #1 Lesson I Learned in Relationships

June 27, 2022

The #1 Lesson I Learned in Relationships

Hi dear friends,

After over two years of pandemic living, I finally decided to take some real time “away” and unplug. As we all are aware, life has felt uncertain and upside down during these times, and for me, the idea of a real vacation seemed like something so out of reach for so long.

I’m always grateful for any real time away because I feel like a change of scenery and a change of pace resets and recharges me like nothing else. What I also love is the added time of reflection; so much comes to the surface when we allow ourselves the time to be still.

While on vacation I had so many insights and personal revelations, but what I wanted to share with you all today was one that touched me deeply in regards to relationships, and also in light of all of the difficulty that we are experiencing in the world around us. In a time that feels more divided than ever, it feels like second nature to want to fix or change or convince people to be a certain way, to act in alignment with who we are, or to strategize how to transform them.

In my life, I’ve had so many experiences in relationships where I entered a relationship with the “idealized” version of that person, bypassing who they really were in that moment. I always felt convinced that I could influence or change a person to match up to that idealized state, somehow, someway.

What I’ve realized after all this time is that it’s really not up to us, it’s not our jobs to try to change people. We can either simply meet and accept people where they are and who they are in this moment, or we can separate and move on, but the idea that we can treat each other like personal pet projects feels toxic and a waste of our own energy.

There’s not a lot that I know for certain to be true, but I do know that we are all here in this life with a unique set of circumstances, challenges, and worldview. We all have unique paths and unique timelines that will allow for us to learn and grow differently. Spending our precious energy and oftentimes, heartache, trying to push someone to learn, adapt, and grow to how we think they “should” be, most commonly when they haven’t consented or really aren’t ready, never really seems to produce the outcomes that we desire, and often creates tension, resentment and anger.

What would our lives and relationships look like if we stopped trying to change each other? If we cultivated a sense of acceptance when asked and were brave enough to initiate separation and boundaries when required?

I say all of this, of course, that we not be tolerant of bad behavior or abuse, but in hopes of letting us off the hook to people, places, and circumstances that really aren’t for us.

There’s a huge world out there, and I believe that there’s a space and a place for us all. If we can connect with ourselves and our true values, wants, morals, and desires, communicate clearly, and release what isn’t aligned, I believe we can find so much power, joy, and peace.

We are all deserving and worthy of love and acceptance, and I know it is always available to us.

xo, Michelle


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