3 Reminders When Seeking Closure


My dear friends,

A common question I am asked from our community is how to move forward from feelings of being stuck in the past. Whenever I am asked to expound on this topic, it brings me a sense of odd comfort because I truly believe that it is a universal habit to hold on to things from the past.

For so long in my life, I’ve felt paralyzed by regret, remorse, and romanticizing my past. I’ve replayed stories over and over. I’ve wished that things unfolded differently and produced some sort of different outcome. I’ve prayed for closure, and hoped for the feeling that everything would be okay, even though it probably wasn’t. I’ve spent so much of my time and energy living in that space.

I’ve realized recently that much of this ruminating and wishing is energy and time not well spent. My quest for closure, and the tidying up of situations in my life, most likely is not possible. Not in the way I was imagining it to be, at least. I’ve realized that my energy could be better used and put towards healing in a more productive way. This mindset shift has changed so much of my life, and how I manage disappointment and loss.

As many of you know, this year has brought a great deal of change in my personal life. So much of what I knew to be my normal was flipped upside down. And while dizzying and confusing to put the pieces of life back into place, I often tried too hard to play investigator, to find the “why,” and to get the spoken and unspoken words that would make me feel at peace.

It has been during this year of change, that I came to terms with the fact that I may never get those words and actions that I desire. And I am completely okay with it. It is in this time that I realized that the peace that I was seeking externally wasn’t real. The only peace that I can create is the peace that comes from within through healing, acceptance, and letting go.

I know that this is a topic that effects so many of you, so I wanted to share my thoughts this week about closure. I think we all spend so much time chasing it and very rarely finding it. And my truth is that I don’t think it’s real, at least not in the way that we’ve dreamt of it being. I’ve found that closure isn’t receiving the apology, the confirmation, or the action that I desire because those things may never come. The closure we’ve been accustomed to looking for sets us up in a waiting game, a torturous limbo that leaves us feeling like a victim to our circumstances.

The closure that I seek now empowers me, and dwells in truth and reality. It is a deep acceptance of what has happened, a gentle openness to the feelings that come along with it, and the deeply rooted knowing of my worth and my value.

It is from the new vantage point that the quest for closure no longer matters because I know that I can find the answers and the acceptance from within. This has changed everything for me.

If you, too, can relate to these constant feelings of remorse or regret or even a yearning to rewrite the stories of your life, please know that you’re not alone. We all feel this way. Here are three simple reminders to keep in your back pocket when these feelings arise in your life:

  1. You do not need someone else’s permission or approval to move on. So often we feel like we have to wait for the green light to heal and let go. This is that practice that keeps us stuck and gives away our power to the words and actions of other people. By doing the important and sometimes painful inner work of healing and feeling, we can give ourselves permission to move forward, in alignment with who we are and what we want.
  2. Failed or ended relationships don’t diminish your inherent worthiness of love and kindness. I used to think that I was really bad at relationships. I had quite a few painful friendship breakups when I was younger, and a handful of very difficult romantic relationships. I thought that because I had experienced so much rejection it signaled that I was broken or that something was wrong with me. Now I know that not all relationships are meant to last forever, some for seasons, some to provide important lessons, and some to play certain roles during certain chapters of our lives. One thing that we can be certain of in life is that everything is always changing. So knowing this to be true, how can we possibly expect our relationships to stay the same? If you are experiencing a loss of a deep relationship, be grateful for the love that existed, and know that you will find that love again, in a new, more aligned form.
  3. The relationship that you have with yourself is the most important relationship you can cultivate. None of us live on an island, and all of us need to have people in our lives, but so many of us spend so much time loving and nurturing the relationships in our lives, and rarely turn that attention and love inwards. Life becomes so much more enjoyable and aligned when we develop a loving, kind relationship with ourselves. If we want to feel confident, secure, and trusting of our places in this world, we have to start by becoming our own best friend. We have to treat ourselves like we would our dearest loved one, or even, how we would treat the small-child versions of ourselves. Start to notice how you treat yourself when you make mistakes, take note of how you talk to yourself on a daily basis, and regularly ask yourself of you needs and wants, and remember you are worthy of having them. You are worthy of the love that you so freely give to others.

I hope these reminders, and this reframe, helps any of you who are struggling with moving on from the past! I know it is not always easy, but with these tiny shifts, we can weather these storms with more grace and ease.

xo, Michelle

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